The hilarious comedian Alan Carr recently dedicated part of his stand up set to the new trend of people saying "LOL" in emails and text messages. As i understand LOL either stands for "laugh out loud" or "lots of love" - i only ever use it if i am chatting on the internet and find something slightly funny, it saves my fingers getting tired. I am as guilty of this laziness of language as the next person but i do try and at least use it in context. I just got a message on facebook that was just 2 and a half lines long but LOL was used 3 times!! the person could not believe they had a new job...LOL, did they really laugh out loud when they heard of their new employment status, if they did then their new manager probably thought they were a nutter. The next use of LOL comes when the person talks about the fact that they do not have a man in their life at the moment .....LOL!!! oh yes hilarious, in my current single status i often spend evenings at home alone laughing myself silly at the sheer pathetic excuse of a love life that surrounds me. The third and thankfully final use of the LOL explosion is used to end the message "we must catch up, we haven't seen each other for years....LOL" - believe me honey if you are going to be laughing out loud if we ever do meet again i may have to "PYIFOAB" = "push you in front of a bus"....LOL!!

Going back to my pathetic excuse for a love life, it's valentines day tomorrow, i have written on this blog before about my sheer contempt for a day that basically puts me in training to become a serial killer, all these supposedly happy couples dashing onto buses and trains with clinton cards bags and flowers are so perky i would like to drive nails through their heads...but i am not a violent person or bitter in any way, all these "happy" couples are probably just feeling really ties down and their partners are probably cheating on them anyway. This will be my 6th!! year in a row of being single on the 14th February and i have become quite good at developing survival techniques, ways of distracting myself from the perky and loved up. Tomorrow my dear friend Kerri is arriving in London with her 2 sons Eli and Dylan, Elia is 7 and Dylan is 8 and it's the boys 1st ever trip to London so i get to play Uncle Pippy for 3 days and what a 3 days is is shaping up to be, with trips planned to the Natural History Museum, The Science Museum and a trip round London on the legendary Duck bus (basically a london tour bus thats shaped like a duck that goes from land direct into the thames!!!! i think me and Kerri are more excited than the boys!

This will be a great way to spend the weekend, I consider myself to be pretty good with children and these boys are true little gems with a fabulously cool mother who hs raised them maginificently. We are going to have sooo much fun!! I think there may even be time for Uncle Pippy and Mummy Kerri to grab a glass or 2 of wine.

Tonight is my potentially penultimate session with my emotional stylist, i need to see how i do over the next 2 sessions to see if i need to carry on but i have to say i am getting to the roots of some very deep rooted problems. Most of them relate to the way my ex treated me and how this has affected my relationships since then, the fact that i have not had a long term relationship for 6 years is quite telling. Basically i have not been taking care of myself for a long time, eating properly, drinking and smoking too much etc, My ex really made me feel that i was pretty much useless and worth nothing and really rather ugly, there is that old saying if you hear something enough times you start to believe it and i now know that this has happened to me. I don't take care of myself because i didn't feel that i was worth it and if i go out on the scene looking for a man i am so distrustful and scared of rejection that i just stick with my friends. However, if i meet someone that is charming, thoughtful and kind i put too much affection their way and scare them off, this has happened twice in the last year! I now know that i have to get to a point in my life where i am happy with who i am. Some of the exercises i have been doing over the past 4 weeks have really helped me to remove assumptions that i make about myself, that stop me from moving forward.

I have also been able to start kicking in the walls that my bastard ex built up around me. I have a great group of friends who show me so much love and support and that in itself proves to me that i am a person who has worth and is appreciated. It's just a shame that one man's harsh words and acts have managed to rob me of so much trust and happiness. I am not going to let him get me down anymore, it's not worth it - all that negative self doubting energy is going to be turned around, this year will be a happy one, i may find love, i may not but i am sure as hell going to make sure i have fun trying, it feels like i am finally getting to know what i want and who i am - after years of confusion and questions, i am getting to a place with answers, solutions and a fresh outlook. I am sleeping a lot better and am able to look at myself in the mirror with enthusiastic eyes. I am going to be fine, in fact better than fine.

xx