I was unbelievably shocked when i heard of the sudden death of Heath Ledger recently but i have to admit i was not shocked as much by the news that Jeremy Beadle had died yesterday. A "friend" of mine on facebook had put as their status that they had never really liked him anyway, tad bit harsh i felt - he never did me any harm and if you didn't like him you could just press a button on the remote control and he was gone. What i didn't know was how tirelessly he worked for cancer charities, apparently raising over £100 million!!! that fact alone deserves a huge amount of respect.

News is breaking this morning that Britney has been committed, sectioned,locked up in a padded cell etc etc. The whole 1st page of HEAT! magazines website today is story after story about Britney. I am bored, bored, bored of her, there are so many fabulous wonderful talented people out there who would kill just for the opportunity to be able to get up on a stage and perform in front of people but what chance do they have when all we care about is a singer who is more famous for crying, shaving her head and breaking down than she is for singing. I do sympathise with her, the press are hounding her but she is not doing herself or her fans any favours by not taking time out to get sorted.

Well after my session with my emotional stylist last night which made me cry quite a lot but ended hopefully, i got myself together and headed down to Westminster for a date with a rather lovely man, the timing for this date could not have been worse, after laying out all my emotional turmoil i had to transform to "date" man and be charming and witty and full of conversation. Thankfully my journey took a while so i managed to process what i had just said and been told and got off the tube feeling pretty fine.

One thing that has come out of my sessions with my emotional stylist and also the flashbacks that i have been having is the amount of mental and verbal abuse that i was subjected to by my ex. These it now appears have left much deeper wounds than any of the physical abuse. I was told constantly by him that i was ugly, that i had a stupid laugh, that i wasn't funny and that my smile was hideous, that i was too skinny, too hairy, too pale, too short. Looking back i see that he robbed me of so much and made me feel like nothing, like i was no one and deserved no affection. It took a long time after i left him to look in a mirror and actually appreciate what was looking back at me, it took my friends telling me that i was funny for me to realise it.

Last night i felt special, i felt desired, i felt appreciated - it has been a long time since i have felt like that, i am not saying my friends don't make me feel special, of course they do and i love them for it but when you get that tingling feeling in your stomach and you keep smiling for no reason well that's just priceless. I am by no means saying that this is going to turn into anything as there is a rather major geographical distance issue but at least i know that i can be made to feel amazing even during these rather harsh times

xx