After one whole quart of brandy
Like a daisy, I'm awake
With no Bromo-Seltzer handy
I don't even shake

Men are not a new sensation
I've done pretty well I think
But this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I'm wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

This is the hardest blog i have ever written, I am hoping it will be cathartic and give me another channel to exorcise the demons in my past

Many years ago i met a guy who i thought would treat me well, treat me kindly and give me love but he had other ideas and did some really horrible things to me, I had always thought i could deal with this by myself but it turns out that i can't so i am now seeing someone once a week to help me get to a place where i can be happy.

It's very strange going back over things which happened nearly 13 years ago, i did not realise how hard opening this can of worms was going to be, up until now there have been very few people that i have told about this, i didn't want people to look at me with their head tilted to one side saying how awful it must have been, i didn't want sympathy, just the knowledge that support would be there if i asked for it, thankfully i am blessed to have an amazing circle of friends.

Strangely it helps to talk and write about this rather hideous time in my past, i know you usually log onto this blog hoping for a bitchy comment about some Z list celeb but today i just want to be honest.

13 years ago at the age of 18 i got involved with a guy who was charming and sweet, at that time i was struggling to find somewhere to live, he had a nice house and took me in, this was one of my 1st gay relationships. I was a typical young homo, looking for love and this guy seemed perfect, he was older than me by about 10 years and well built and what with my skinny little frame i felt protected by him.

After a few weeks with him i noticed that he was quite a drinker, i never used to drink too heavily but he was getting out of control, he worked from home and i was just doing voluntary work at the time so i kinda relied on him for my income, he was loaded and didn't seem to mind spoiling me. As time went on the drinking got worse and his mood changed considerably, he started calling me names, calling me ugly and snapping at me. One day he was really pissed, i had got in later than expected (by about 15mins) and he was furious, that was the 1st time he hit me, i had never really been hit hard in the face before and i cannot explain how painful it was, it felt like my teeth were going to fall out, i just ran upstairs and hid in a room til he calmed down.

He was very apologetic and said it would never happen again, i called in sick for the next few days til the bruise on my face went. I should have got out then, escaped while i had the chance but in the past few weeks i had spent so much time with him., he had pretty much isolated me from my friends and i felt that if i did call them he would get angry and i would get hit again. Part of me even thought that this is what happened in gay relationships.

The drinking got heavier and the name calling continued. The second time he got violent with me was after he had been on a night out without me (he did this a lot), i was in bed and heard him come in with someone else, he had pulled a guy and was getting off with him downstairs, i walked in and he went mad, chasing me back upstairs, i ran into the room and tried to close the door but he was too strong and slammed it open, pushing me to the floor, he kicked me in the stomach and knees over and over again, eventually i couldn't feel any more pain, i had become numb. After 5 minutes of this he left me lying on the floor, i was crying but no sound was coming out, the next day i hobbled to the hospital, he had cracked my ribs and had fractured a bone in my leg. I got home from the hospital to find chocolates and flowers and endless apologies.

There were many more beatings to follow, another trip to the hosptial with a broken arm, sexual violence and constant put downs, he called me every name he could think of and soon the apologies ended, he showed no remorse for any of it and even laughed in my face after he hit me. He never hit me in the face after that first time, he knew that people would start asking questions, the rest of my body was black and blue, it got to the point where it was such a mess, i could not look in the mirror anymore, i didn't want to eat and started making myself sick, hoping that eventually my body would disappear and there would be nothing left to hit.

I stayed with him for 4 months but i knew at some point i would have to get out. My last beating was the worst ever, He wanted to go out but i was tired and still aching from the night before when he had kicked me in the shin. I just didn't want to go but he was pissed and shouting that i was boring and ugly and he didn't want to be seen out with me anyway. I attempted to get out of the bedroom to hide in the bathroom but he grabbed me and threw me down the stairs, the wooden carpetless stairs, i was lying in the hallway unable to move, my legs were in agony. I heard him moving something upstairs, i couldn't move to tell what it was, he pushed a chest of drawers to the top of the stairs and then pushed it down the stairs, it landed on top of me, the pain was like nothing i had ever felt before, like my body was burning - i passed out. When i eventually came round, i managed to get the drawers off me but i couldn't stand up, he must have come down the stairs and stepped over me to get out.

I heard someone shouting at the door, it was the neighbour, i didnt want her to see me like that but i had no choice, she had a key and let herself in and said she would take me to the hospital but i didn't want her involved as he might go after her, i called a friend out of the blue and they came round immediately, put my stuff in bin liners and took me to a hospital out of the city where he might not think to find me, luckily he didnt. If i had been left there much longer it's safe to say i would not be here now.

I have managed almost successfully to block this time in my life out for a long time but recently i went back to Sheffield and saw him for the 1st time in a long time. Since then i have been having flashbacks and nightmares nearly everynight, i have started seeing a counsellor who is helping me to deal with this time in my life more effectively. I know that it will never go away but there are ways to manage it better. I now know that what happened 13 years ago has affected every relationship i have had since then, as you would probably expect, i still have marks and scars on my body from what he did to me - a constant reminder.

It's my hope that by getting this out in the open, i can start living my life from a point of truth. I am known for being funny and friendly, always with a good one liner up my sleeve but a lot of that up to this point has been a magnificent performance, people dont ask about your problems if you make them laugh because if you are making people laugh you must not have problems. Well i do have problems, i do have a past. I am going through one of the roughest times in my life right now, remembering things that i hoped were long gone.

I dont know how many people read this blog, part of me doesn't even care but for those that do i need you to know that i am going to be fine and if i need your support or just a hug i know i can just ask.

As i wrote earlier this is the hardest blog i have ever written, i imagine its not been the easiest thing to read but thanks for sticking with it and thanks for sticking with me.

Pippy

xx