I have been thinking quite a lot about relationships recently and questioning how i approach them and how others maintain them. After having a dry spell of epic proportions - things are beginning to look up. Dates have been set up and the next couple of weeks look set to be decidedly pleasurable.

I discussed my attitude to relationships with a friend at the weekend, describing how i approach something as simple as a date with question after question in my head, "why did he ask me out?" "what does he want?" "where is this going?". I never say this to the guy i am dating, i just drive myself slowly insane with my mental dilemma's. The friend i was discussing this with said that he did exactly the same thing, just to add that at the moment we are both single so it seem obvious that this approach is not working.

I doubt that it is attractive to other guys, Even though i never mention it, my anxiety must sweat out of me in a series of startled expressions and furtive glances. Where does this questioning negativity come from? All in all my long term relationships in the past have gone well, i am still friends with the majority of my ex's which in one sense is a good thing but also does it mean that i am hanging onto the past hoping that one of them will turn around crying that they still love me and admit to making a terrible mistake?

The past is to be celebrated, it has given me memories, experiences and stories that will last me a long time. The future has never been scary to me before. I have grasped onto challenges with grit and determination, moving to cities on my own, trying new things and letting people into my life, but this next year is really quite different i feel that it's time for my work to move in a different direction, I have been working in my particular field for 14 years and thats long enough for anyone. There is little room for negotiation where i am right now and so it's either going to be a total change in this country or seeing if i can tackle this work abroad.

If i do stay in this beautiful city i will need to move out of my flat too, South London is ok but it's no match for north of the river where my heart and most of my friends are. These changes mean i am feeling unsettled, would it be a good idea to look for a relationship now? If i meet someone, i meet someone and if something develops there really is not much i can do about it but one things for sure the next 12 months are going to be interesting and challenging.

I believe this is why i have been a bit out of sorts recently. My head and my heart keep disagreeing and i am stuck in the middle not knowing which way to turn. I hope i don't sound like a total drama queen - it's healthy to do this every once in a while. I have been a bit crap with a few of my friends lately, not returning calls, disappearing for days on end but stick with me - i am just having a bit of thinking time and i am sure normal service will be resumed shortly.

xx