Friday is here!!

Alas the party time will have to wait til after the weekend as my parents are staying this weekend so it's going to be a rather sober weekend but it will be great to see them.

Finally i see someone has left a comment on the blog, thanks James!! I will have you know that Gary Barlow may have once been the chubby guy in Take That who can't dance but believe me the boy has been working out and is now the hottie in Take That who can't dance. Well i rather like the look of him anyway






I was going through some old books last night and found Ellen Degeneres' first book of short stories, i can remember flicking through it in a 2nd hand book shop when i was staying in Sydney and actually laughing out loud at this, i hope it has the same effect on you.




"Letter to a friend"

Dear Morgana,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note to thankyou for inviting me to your party last week. I'm not very good at parties but i guess you know that by now. I feel awkward at them and tend to overcompensate by acting in a way that others who don't know me well might consider a tad wierd. However, you know me well and besides, you're a very perceptive and i might add, very forgiving person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am really sorry for what happened. Maybe it was good though, maybe this will be one of those things that a little while from now you'll look back on and laugh at. Ok, maybe it will be longer than a little while. Eventually though, after at most a few decades, theres bound to be some laughter. Isn't there? Oh god, I'm so sorry.

I know that we're good enough friends that i could just call you on the phone but i thought a letter would be preferable for two reasons. One, often it's easier to say things in a letter than it is to say them in person and two, you don't seem to be answering my phone calls anymore.

Sometimes nobody answers the phone - even if i let it ring over 500 times (I've counted) At other times, somebody who sounds like you (but I'm sure isn't) answers and asks who it is, when i say "Ellen" that person (who as i said before, I'm sure isn't you, because you are much too compassionate) immediately develops an obviously fake Russian accent and says "She not home, She move far away to place with no phone, I begging you, please leave alone"

All that being said, let me begin my apology.

I think a lot of what happened can be traced back to the Rum cake I brought over. I just looked over the recipe, and i see now that it called for 2 tablespoons of Rum. For some reason, maybe because i was nervousbecause i don't cook that much, i misread that as 2 bottles of rum. It's an honest mistake and your little nephews were eventually going to find out what a hangover is anyway.

I had at least 2 slices of the Rum cake and i believe that's why i blurted out that your real name is marge. I thought everybody already knew. I also thought that everybody would find your old nickname "Large Marge" funny. I understand now that it isn't funny. Anyway it shouldn't bother you because you're not heavy anymore. Oh yes, I'm also sorry i told people about your liposuction, but at least i didn't tell people about your breast enlargement surgery, oh that's right, i did. sorry.

As for what i call "the charades incident", for some reason i get a little competitive(ok, way too competitive) playing party games - once again, to make up for my own insecurities. That's why when Reverend Green couldn't figure out i was doing "fried green tomatoes" and kept guessing ""mules for sister sarah" (which you have to admit doesn't even have the same number of words) I got mad.

That in no way excuses my calling him a god damned rat $£$%* (*&&^%%$ &^$£$$" eating moron. Isn't it cute when you write curses out that way? It's too bad i didn't say it like that. Also, when i jokingly implied that he was a child molester, I had no idea about the recent trial (though i am happy to hear that all the charges have been dropped)

Now, the gift. I was under the mistaken impression (boy hindsight is always twenty twenty isn't it?) that the party was for your wedding shower. That's why I got what i considered to be a gag gift. I didn't know it was a party for your grandmother's 90th birthday. Otherwise i would never have gotten her crotchless panties and the coupon for a free nipple piercing.

I admit i laughed pretty hard when your granny opened the present (sorry about the wine coming out of my nose onto your new rug, club soda should get out that stain, not cola like i tried), but i thought she was laughing too. Now i know she was hyperventilating. I swear I've never seen anybody's face turn that red before, that is why i shouted out " look at her, heh heh, she looks like a big tomato!"

Not funny.

I am glad to hear that your granny is now out of the hospital. I'm the one who sent the big basket of muffins. Nobody told me she was diabetic. She only ate a few of them and when i called the hospital they said that at most that added 3 days to her stay there - maybe 4.

This part is the hardest to explain. I know that when you opened the door to your bedroom it looked like i was shaving your dog. Well, I was shaving your dog.....but not for the reason you might think. I didn't say "Hmmm i think Marge's dog - I'm sorry, Morgana's dog - would look better with less hair" though you have to admit, the cut does give Colonel Chompers an interesting look and makes him seem quite distinguished (I don't care what the judges at the dog show said)

What happened was, in trying to spit my gum across your kitchen and into the trash (a trick I do remarkably well, usually) I missed and the gum landed in Colonel Chompers fur, I tried to pull it out, but it just made it worse. So i snuck him into your bedroom with the hope of finding some scissors and cutting the gum out. I didn't locate scissors but i did find your Lady Gilette and thought, hey this might work - which eventually it did. The gum came out. I am sorry that some got on your drapes. I thought they were tissue paper.

But, you have every right to ask, why was i wearing your bathing suit whilst shaving your dog? Good question - in looking for your scissors, i found the bathing suit in the 3rd drawer of your bureau (I didn't look in your 2nd drawer so there is no need to be embarassed) I had seen that suit ina store that day and thought it might look good on me. So I figured this was a good opportunity to try it on.

I believe you see now that there was a logical explanation for everything that happened at your otherwise very successful party.

I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me and we can be as good friends as we were before last weekend

Love

Ellen

P.S Oh yes, I almost forgot. I'm also sorry that i bit your fiance, I mean ex fiance on the ass. Oops!

Oh i could write a few letters like that!!

Right i am off for a weekend with the folks, have a drink for me.

xx