whats it all about? i dont give a crap!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Each week in London there are 2 free gay magazines available called Boyz and QX, the magazines feature a range of articles on health, entertainment, lifestyle and the gay scene. This week Boyz magazine has focused on the upcoming Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History Month which is taking place throughout February. Interviews have taken place with characters from the last 4 decades on how they came out and whether they think there is a need for LGBT History month. The interview for this decade is with Brian Dowling who won the 2nd series of Big Brother and went onto have a semi successful TV presenting career. The interview with him made me want to scream.

"I don't think gay history month is important. I've never done a gay march. I don't know a lot about gay history and i dont think we need to. Being gay is such a personal thing and i dont think people should sit down and Google "gay history". i dont want to sound ungrateful, because i am thankful to people who have changed things, but i'm not really militant or political.

These day's i don't think we need to wear T-shirts saying "I'm Gay" - in this day in age, we don't need to go on marches. Because gay people are accepted, we don't need to be aggressive"

Well thanks for that Brian, i feel so much better after your words of wisdom, i shall now go out in Newcastle city centre on a saturday night and kiss a guy right in the middle of the street knowing that i won't get called names or beaten up or end up in hospital, in fact i am sure people will circle me and my male friend and cheer us on, they may even break into a chorus of "glad to be gay" - hoorah, hoorah and thrice hoorah for gays in Britain today.

To say that "gay people are accepted" is a rather sweeping and naive statement. I wonder if he has been in a secondary or indeed primary school lately and listened to how many times a day the word "gay" is used in a negative way, myself and Brain Dowling are very lucky as we both have occupations where it is pretty much accepted but i can't imagine working in a small town and having to hide every last aspect of your life all the time.

LGBT History Month is vitally important, it gets agencies like mine into schools so we can get young people talking about sexuality in a positive way, it gives me a chance to look back to times gone by and heroes of mine that have paved the way for me to live my life and it also gives me the chance to think about my life and realise that coming out is still the best thing i have ever done.

xx

I was unbelievably shocked when i heard of the sudden death of Heath Ledger recently but i have to admit i was not shocked as much by the news that Jeremy Beadle had died yesterday. A "friend" of mine on facebook had put as their status that they had never really liked him anyway, tad bit harsh i felt - he never did me any harm and if you didn't like him you could just press a button on the remote control and he was gone. What i didn't know was how tirelessly he worked for cancer charities, apparently raising over £100 million!!! that fact alone deserves a huge amount of respect.

News is breaking this morning that Britney has been committed, sectioned,locked up in a padded cell etc etc. The whole 1st page of HEAT! magazines website today is story after story about Britney. I am bored, bored, bored of her, there are so many fabulous wonderful talented people out there who would kill just for the opportunity to be able to get up on a stage and perform in front of people but what chance do they have when all we care about is a singer who is more famous for crying, shaving her head and breaking down than she is for singing. I do sympathise with her, the press are hounding her but she is not doing herself or her fans any favours by not taking time out to get sorted.

Well after my session with my emotional stylist last night which made me cry quite a lot but ended hopefully, i got myself together and headed down to Westminster for a date with a rather lovely man, the timing for this date could not have been worse, after laying out all my emotional turmoil i had to transform to "date" man and be charming and witty and full of conversation. Thankfully my journey took a while so i managed to process what i had just said and been told and got off the tube feeling pretty fine.

One thing that has come out of my sessions with my emotional stylist and also the flashbacks that i have been having is the amount of mental and verbal abuse that i was subjected to by my ex. These it now appears have left much deeper wounds than any of the physical abuse. I was told constantly by him that i was ugly, that i had a stupid laugh, that i wasn't funny and that my smile was hideous, that i was too skinny, too hairy, too pale, too short. Looking back i see that he robbed me of so much and made me feel like nothing, like i was no one and deserved no affection. It took a long time after i left him to look in a mirror and actually appreciate what was looking back at me, it took my friends telling me that i was funny for me to realise it.

Last night i felt special, i felt desired, i felt appreciated - it has been a long time since i have felt like that, i am not saying my friends don't make me feel special, of course they do and i love them for it but when you get that tingling feeling in your stomach and you keep smiling for no reason well that's just priceless. I am by no means saying that this is going to turn into anything as there is a rather major geographical distance issue but at least i know that i can be made to feel amazing even during these rather harsh times

xx

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I just get so angry at the Westboro Baptist Church and i know it's a waste of time because they are just going to do what they do but i have to get this off my chest - they are such a bunch of c*nts! They picketed The Screen Actors Guild Awards in Hollywood the other day, chanting "Heath is in Hell". At the awards actor Daniel Day Lewis paid tribute to Heath Ledgers career and in particular his performances in Monsters Ball and Brokeback Mountain.

Thankfully the Ledger family managed to keep secret the location of his private memorial service in Los Angeles and his funeral in Australia so those hate mongering fuckwits can't spread their venomous evil at a time of mourning. Yesterday the deluded coffin dodging leader of this "church" aka "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" released this statement to Heath Ledger's family

"For misguided reasons you are hiding the body of Heath Ledger, and refusing to divulge the time, date, and place of his burial in Perth, Australia, so that we at Westboro Baptist Church cannot attend - in respectful proximity - and conduct a religious service.

"You owe it to the youth of the world, whom Heath misled via Brokeback Mountain, into believing it was OK to be gay.

"I say, you owe it to the youth of the world to use Heath's funeral to correct that lie. It's NOT OK to be gay.

"It is a great sin against God. It will destroy the life and damn the soul.

"All those whom Heath misled will arrive ultimately in Hell, and they will curse Heath to his face throughout all eternity.

"Please tell us the time, date, and place of Heath's funeral in Australia. Thank you."

I can just see the Ledger family reading this and saying "what a lovely man lets open the doors to him, good luck to him and his family" - whatever!! I believe that last year a person driving past one of their funeral protests swerved their car to hit them, not sure if the driver succeeded in their quest but i have one piece of advice - if at first you don't succeed put it in reverse and try again!

On a more positive note i am being taken out tonight for dinner by a rather lovely man, I am not saying anymore than that, i think i have given enough personal stuff out on this blog recently but i am looking forward to having good food and conversation after my session tonight.

The sessions with my emotional stylist are going well but i still have down days, one of which happened yesterday, cant explain it but i just felt shitty and wanted to hide under my desk, i guess this is just going to happen but its not the best feeling in the world but at least i can talk it all out tonight.

hope to be smiley tomorrow

xx

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Is it just me or is the new "fashion" accessory for chav lads a pitbull on a thick chain? It seems every time i head out of Central London i am intimidated by the trackie wearing unwashed ones and their rather evil looking dogs, a dangerous dog is obviously just a penis extension for these guys much like sports cars. I felt pretty scared before walking past huge gangs of young lads in the street but now they have huge growling things at their feet with big sharp teeth - i am going to become a popstar and get a driver to take me everywhere - it's the only solution.

I am always slightly concerned when comedian's put their pen's to paper and become author's. I worry that they are just going to re-hash their old jokes and plop a story around it. Last year i read Julian Clary's book "A Young Man's Passage" - i absolutely loved it and became very excited when he announced he had started work on a novel! Well last night i finished it and it was a great read, if you are wanting a thought provoking piece of political satire that bites away at societal differences you are going to be very disappointed but if you want a glitzy journey through the perils of fame, gay sex and murder you are in for a treat.it has brought colour to those dull and rather cold January nights - I recommend it highly.

Well yesterday i managed to get hold of the Adele and kd lang albums, I listened to the lang album on the way home but i feel it may take a few listens to really get into. I know that in the transition of moving from country music to a more personal style she had to learn to sing quietly and become more accustomed to her voice but she seems to be almost whispering on this record, i need to give it my full atttention and i dont think the bus home was the best setting.



Once home i popped the Adele album on the stereo and have to say i was immediately impressed, she even does a cover of my favourite ever Bob Dylan song and pulls it off!! The song is called "Make you feel my love" and has THE most beautiful lyrics!

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

How lush is that?

xx

Monday, January 28, 2008

As the late Freddie Mercury once sang "I am a shadow of the man i used to be" - not because i am ill, this bad feeling is all self inflicted. I get paid and then i go crazy, 2 nights out this weekend and both ended with me practically falling over due to intoxication.

Friday night i was working til gone 8pm but soon found myself in Soho meeting work mates who had already been drinking for 2 hours and were all very loud and very drunk but i soon caught up byt drinking rather speedily, after a while the need for dancing took over and i made my way to Kings Cross for the last "Popstarz" night at the Scala. I had a whale of a time dancing to some classics in the rubbish room, i had a few beers and then Dan bought tequila, we were stood at the bar and we downed the shot. It totally disagreed with me and to put it bluntly i was sick in my mouth and a little on the floor. Then out of nowhere a uniformed gent named Brian came over and introduced himself as the popstarz paramedic, would i care to step outside with him? so off i popped fdor a breath of fresh air, i felt fine it was that silly tequila!! anyway he let me back in after a few minutes and i carried on like nothing had happened, i just wish they hadn't played "Rehab" as i walked back in!!

On Saturday morning i woke up feeling surprisingly fine, dashed into town to get a new shirt for camilla and sophies do home, changed and headed to the John Snow pub in Soho for drinks with my mate Will who also had a birthday but it was also a leaving drink as he is starting a new life in Devon. This was followed by a couple of gay drinks with Dan and Oliver in Soho and then off to Kennington we went for Camilla and Sophie's birthday at the south pacific bar. Cocktails were the order of the night and we had plenty of them, jugfuls in fact! I stayed at Dan's as getting home from south of the river aint ever easy. Woke up feeling the effects of both nights out but at least had the memory of much fun. After a much needed breakfast in Brixton, i dragged my poor self home for a lazy day!

Am very excited today as 2 of my fave diva's are releasing their new albums - kd lang and Mary J Blige, it's kd's first new material in 8 years and is supposed to be sublime!! I read a review of Mary's this morning and it got a rave so yay!! I am also tempted to buy Adele's new album just as there seems to be such a buzz round her at the moment and to be compared to joni mitchell, janis joplin and ella fitzgerald with your debut is very promising.

xx

Friday, January 25, 2008

Well it's friday at last and the weekend is here, my dancing shoes are polished and ready to get well and truly scuffed! I went out to soho last night for a couple of after work drinks, we ended up in the Village Bar, we attempted to have a conversation but the video screens were a tad distracting as they were playing a dvd called "the making of the calendar" - basically every year for the past 3 or 4 years a french rubgy team has made a naked calendar and it has become so popular that now they release a dvd showing how it was done. I like rugby players, they are big and manly but i always had an image in my head of a rugby player looking a bit rough with maybe a tooth missing and a slightly flabby arse. This image does not sit well in france apparently - this is the sight that confronted me last night and made me the worst conversationalist ever




i mean look at them!! so pretty and perfect, i dont actually believe they have ever played rugby and i bet if someone actually threw a rugby ball at them they woould wave their hands in their air whilst screaming like a peroxide blonde in a horror film, although saying that i have just applied to play the part of the rugby ball in their next dvd.......catch!!!

I am slightly concerned, I like many other homosexulait men am dripping in my drawers about the "Sex and the City" movie. A few publicity shots have just been released and they are very erm experimental on the fashion front. We all know that Carrie Bradshaw has pushed the boundaries of fashion but in these shots she looks a tad bit ricockulous




Well the weekend is a party one and i am going to HAVE IT! i am actually working tonight with some young gays but after that i am dashing into soho for a workmates birthday and there are rumours that a little bit of dancing might follow, if i go anywhere it will have to be the gay indie night Popstarz in Kings Cross, After many years at a club called the scala popstarz is moving ti a club called Sin in Soho. The scala holds many lovely memories for me and some bizarre and dodgy times but hopefuly i will be there later to kiss it goodbye.

Today is also my lovely friend Camilla's birthday and tomorrow night she is having a party with her also lovely friend Sophie at a latin funk night in South London, on top of all that it is also my friend Will's birthday this weekend so i am drinking with him tomorrow afternoon - phew!! I shall be exhausted but it will all be fun fun fun.

THE IMAGINARY MEN OF PIPPY'S BOUDOIR

i know he has been in before but i don't give a shit, i saw these pics the other day and nearly exploded! i need say no more





have a fantabulous weekend darlings

mwah mwah

xx

xx

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Bus Twats

I am quite lucky in the fact that i can avoid travelling on the tube to get to and from work everyday, i just have to hop on a bus and it takes no time at all. I generally prefer the bus, i found that when i moved to London it was a great way of actually getting to know the city. If you constantly travel on tubes how do you know where things are? you miss out on some great sights.

The buses are not always the best though, as with everything they do occassionally get invaded by stupid people, i love the people who get on and dont hold on to anything and then look unbelievably shocked when the bus pulls away and they go flying, did you not think the bus was going to move? did you think it was a mobile library? or you get old people who dont take the available seats at the front, i watch in horror as they stagger down towards the back, i am always thinking "sit the fuck down, you could break a hip!".

I have a love/hate affair with bendy buses in London, i remember when they were first introduced and there were lots of problems with them. The guy who was behind their introduction went on the local new show "London Tonight" and the interviewer actually said "You say the buses are safe and the best way to travel but dont the new bendy buses have a tendency to burst into flames?" - this had happened quite a lot prior to the interview. The advantage of the bendy's is that they are basically free, you can get on at any door and rarely get asked for a ticket. the con is when you are not on the bus but want to cross the road, the drivers don't seem to notice when traffic lights turn red and just go straight through, totally blocking the crossing. This happened this morning and i turned into a gobby londoner shouting at the bus driver and giving him a 2 finger salute - bit harsh but i had not had my morning coffee and was feeling feisty.

Well i had another session with my emotional stylist last night and it went really well, i am getting a huge amount out of this experience and yes it's hard and challenging and upsetting but having the opportunity to talk things through and get things down on paper is proving to be a blessing, i dont want to break into "i can see clearly now the rain has gone" but i am putting things into perspective, i am being needy and i am indulging myself but hey thats what emotional styling is all about.

Good news is that the Antony Cotton show has been axed from ITV 1, this is good news as the show was a stinking, steaming bag of shit, now if he could just get fired from coronation street my work would be done, he basically has 2 acting styles - the hi-de-hi style campness that was so fondly loved (in the 1970's!) or the bad news face which i think he took from Joey on "Friends".

well that was all a bit ranty!!

On the positive side - i have been paid and this weekend is looking to be a grand one with lots of fun and frolics!! yay!

xxx

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

ok so this is like the most fucked up thing i have ever heard in my entire life!!

Less than 24 hours after Heath Ledger passed away, the Westboro Baptist Church has announced that they are going to picket his funeral because he played a gay man in a film. You absolute fucking retards! you are everything that is wrong with this world and make me sick, They say in their press statement that Heath is burning in hell! they also say that nothing about Heath is relevant or consequential.

There have to be laws against this kind of hatred and sheer stupidity, to have no respect for the guy's family, his wife, his 2 year old daughter?

It just makes me so angry and i know it shouldn't because they are pretty much hated by the world but the fact that they are allowed to continue this fucked up, deranged imitation of any religion is beyond me.

Sad sad day!

It's always so upsetting when a life is cut short, the news last night that Australian actor Heath Ledger had been found dead in his Manhatten apartment really shocked me. He was just 28 years old and had such a promising career ahead of him. His performances in Monster's Ball and I'm not there had received major critical acclaim but his groundbreaking turn in Brokeback Mountain bought him to the world's attention. His understated performance in the gay love story brought tears to my eyes and i have watched the film many times since. In July his final film "The Dark Knight" the follow up to Batman Begin's will see him playing The Joker and i am sure that film will now take on a whole new tragic meaning.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Smile for the camera Amy

That Amy Winehouse needs to be told innit! if i have told her once i have told her a thousand times - dont smoke crack whilst someone is videoing you!! maybe in her deluded, drugged up state she thought she might get £250 quid from an adult version of you've been framed? i think she needs a pippy intervention - this would basically consist of me going round her east london pad and giving her a good talking to, it would be a bit of a job to get her to focus but i would persist in saying "Amy hon what ya doin all that crack for girl? lets just have a nice cuppa and a jammy dodger and see how things look in the morning". I feel assured that she would wake the next day with a new outlook on life, a new direction perhaps even the beginnings of an album not sounding dissimilar to great female artists like Lisa Scott Lee or Rachel Stevens. I will keep you posted

After that i would hop over the pond and sort that Britney out, get her a watch so she was on time to all her court appearances, maybe a beginners guide to mothering, i am not sure about the availability of jammy dodgers in LA so lets just hope that Amy doesn't wolf the whole lot down - mind you with her gob she could probably eat the whole pack without opening it or chewing.

Terrible news that Lily Allen has had a miscarriage but she seems to be steaming ahead with her new TV show and her album due for release later this year. I just hope she slightly changes her style with this one, i was not convinced with the whole " i is lily allen and is like well cockney innit" spirit of her debut effort, singing about council estates?? she probably thinks a council estate is a car.

Oscar Nominations have been announced and Keira Knightley and James "i think i love you" McAvoy have been snubbed - boo!! Cate Blanchett is up for both best supporting actress and best actress, she is amazing and should at least get one gong on the night, if the ceremony even takes place that is with the current writer's strike - boo again!

Well after the longest month ever i get paid on Thursday, why the fuck do most places pay people early in December its so buggin! i dont actually buy that many xmas presents so there is no need to get paid on the frikkin 14th of December and then struggle through a 6 week month, borrowing money left right and centre to then spend February paying everyone back - grrr! I shall be spending the majority of next month in the cinema trying to see all the leading Oscar contenders. Anyways that enough ranting for now.

As you can probably tell after my last couple of blogs i am having a good day today and hope you are too,

xx

Monday, January 21, 2008

Well i am back after a few days blog rest. Firstly i want to say a big thanks to all those who have offered support, shoulders to cry on, copious amounts of alcohol etc. I really appreciate you all being there for me through this very wierd and unsettling time. The effect of my last blog hs been pretty big, it took a long time to write and a few tears but it has proved to be very therapeutic.

My counsellor (emotional stylist) had suggested that i start writing things down to express my feelings and the blog was the first step. As this weekend was the one before pay day i spent the majority of it hibernating and writing, it's amazing how much clearer my thoughts and emotions are when they are down on paper. I have my next session on wednesday night and i have a lot of stuff to go through, more memories are coming back of the way i was treated. I have an envelope at home with pics of my ex boyfriends in it, i went through the pics and thought about the things that went wrong in other relationships and it all seems to go back to my experiences all those years ago.

I never expected to be in this situation again, at the moment the past is all i can seem to think about and it is taking over everything. It is not a nice place to be in and i will be so glad when my sessions are over and i will hopefully have some good strategies on how to move on with my life. That's what i need to do - i feel like this has been holding me back for so long and once i have dealt with it in my head and in my heart i will finally be able to just move on.

As i said in my last blog, not everyone knew what had happened all those years ago so for some this has all come out of nowhere. Please dont feel awkward around me, please dont feel that you can't talk about it, it helps to get things off my chest but at the same time i am still Pippy and can still laugh and make you laugh, no head tilting please! just a big big hug and a pint is all i need right now

to change the subject

Part of the weekend was spent looking through my old videos to see if there were any hidden gems, i found a few good programmes to keep me occupied, One of them was the Boy George documentary that i wrote about on here in Oct 2006. I watched it again and felt more and more angry towards Boy George, he has got so much anger in him and it all seems to stem back to the break up of his relationship with Culture Club drummer John Moss back in the 1980's. The reason i mention this is that Boy George is doing a series of shows at London's Shaw Theatre later this month. I was very tempted to go a while back but now i am thinking, can he still deliver? or is he just going to be ranting at the audience like a bitter queen. I think i shall save my pennies for another gay.

As i write this i am seeing on facebook that many of my friends in South Yorkshire are starting to worry about how they are going to get home, torrential rain has hit Sheffield and people are obviously worrying that there is going to be a repeat of last summers floods. I just hope everyone is ok. Bring on some sun, this is all just too depressing.

Apologies for the lack of a boudoir boy on friday, I shall try and get my act together soon

xx

Thursday, January 17, 2008

After one whole quart of brandy
Like a daisy, I'm awake
With no Bromo-Seltzer handy
I don't even shake

Men are not a new sensation
I've done pretty well I think
But this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I'm wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

This is the hardest blog i have ever written, I am hoping it will be cathartic and give me another channel to exorcise the demons in my past

Many years ago i met a guy who i thought would treat me well, treat me kindly and give me love but he had other ideas and did some really horrible things to me, I had always thought i could deal with this by myself but it turns out that i can't so i am now seeing someone once a week to help me get to a place where i can be happy.

It's very strange going back over things which happened nearly 13 years ago, i did not realise how hard opening this can of worms was going to be, up until now there have been very few people that i have told about this, i didn't want people to look at me with their head tilted to one side saying how awful it must have been, i didn't want sympathy, just the knowledge that support would be there if i asked for it, thankfully i am blessed to have an amazing circle of friends.

Strangely it helps to talk and write about this rather hideous time in my past, i know you usually log onto this blog hoping for a bitchy comment about some Z list celeb but today i just want to be honest.

13 years ago at the age of 18 i got involved with a guy who was charming and sweet, at that time i was struggling to find somewhere to live, he had a nice house and took me in, this was one of my 1st gay relationships. I was a typical young homo, looking for love and this guy seemed perfect, he was older than me by about 10 years and well built and what with my skinny little frame i felt protected by him.

After a few weeks with him i noticed that he was quite a drinker, i never used to drink too heavily but he was getting out of control, he worked from home and i was just doing voluntary work at the time so i kinda relied on him for my income, he was loaded and didn't seem to mind spoiling me. As time went on the drinking got worse and his mood changed considerably, he started calling me names, calling me ugly and snapping at me. One day he was really pissed, i had got in later than expected (by about 15mins) and he was furious, that was the 1st time he hit me, i had never really been hit hard in the face before and i cannot explain how painful it was, it felt like my teeth were going to fall out, i just ran upstairs and hid in a room til he calmed down.

He was very apologetic and said it would never happen again, i called in sick for the next few days til the bruise on my face went. I should have got out then, escaped while i had the chance but in the past few weeks i had spent so much time with him., he had pretty much isolated me from my friends and i felt that if i did call them he would get angry and i would get hit again. Part of me even thought that this is what happened in gay relationships.

The drinking got heavier and the name calling continued. The second time he got violent with me was after he had been on a night out without me (he did this a lot), i was in bed and heard him come in with someone else, he had pulled a guy and was getting off with him downstairs, i walked in and he went mad, chasing me back upstairs, i ran into the room and tried to close the door but he was too strong and slammed it open, pushing me to the floor, he kicked me in the stomach and knees over and over again, eventually i couldn't feel any more pain, i had become numb. After 5 minutes of this he left me lying on the floor, i was crying but no sound was coming out, the next day i hobbled to the hospital, he had cracked my ribs and had fractured a bone in my leg. I got home from the hospital to find chocolates and flowers and endless apologies.

There were many more beatings to follow, another trip to the hosptial with a broken arm, sexual violence and constant put downs, he called me every name he could think of and soon the apologies ended, he showed no remorse for any of it and even laughed in my face after he hit me. He never hit me in the face after that first time, he knew that people would start asking questions, the rest of my body was black and blue, it got to the point where it was such a mess, i could not look in the mirror anymore, i didn't want to eat and started making myself sick, hoping that eventually my body would disappear and there would be nothing left to hit.

I stayed with him for 4 months but i knew at some point i would have to get out. My last beating was the worst ever, He wanted to go out but i was tired and still aching from the night before when he had kicked me in the shin. I just didn't want to go but he was pissed and shouting that i was boring and ugly and he didn't want to be seen out with me anyway. I attempted to get out of the bedroom to hide in the bathroom but he grabbed me and threw me down the stairs, the wooden carpetless stairs, i was lying in the hallway unable to move, my legs were in agony. I heard him moving something upstairs, i couldn't move to tell what it was, he pushed a chest of drawers to the top of the stairs and then pushed it down the stairs, it landed on top of me, the pain was like nothing i had ever felt before, like my body was burning - i passed out. When i eventually came round, i managed to get the drawers off me but i couldn't stand up, he must have come down the stairs and stepped over me to get out.

I heard someone shouting at the door, it was the neighbour, i didnt want her to see me like that but i had no choice, she had a key and let herself in and said she would take me to the hospital but i didn't want her involved as he might go after her, i called a friend out of the blue and they came round immediately, put my stuff in bin liners and took me to a hospital out of the city where he might not think to find me, luckily he didnt. If i had been left there much longer it's safe to say i would not be here now.

I have managed almost successfully to block this time in my life out for a long time but recently i went back to Sheffield and saw him for the 1st time in a long time. Since then i have been having flashbacks and nightmares nearly everynight, i have started seeing a counsellor who is helping me to deal with this time in my life more effectively. I know that it will never go away but there are ways to manage it better. I now know that what happened 13 years ago has affected every relationship i have had since then, as you would probably expect, i still have marks and scars on my body from what he did to me - a constant reminder.

It's my hope that by getting this out in the open, i can start living my life from a point of truth. I am known for being funny and friendly, always with a good one liner up my sleeve but a lot of that up to this point has been a magnificent performance, people dont ask about your problems if you make them laugh because if you are making people laugh you must not have problems. Well i do have problems, i do have a past. I am going through one of the roughest times in my life right now, remembering things that i hoped were long gone.

I dont know how many people read this blog, part of me doesn't even care but for those that do i need you to know that i am going to be fine and if i need your support or just a hug i know i can just ask.

As i wrote earlier this is the hardest blog i have ever written, i imagine its not been the easiest thing to read but thanks for sticking with it and thanks for sticking with me.

Pippy

xx

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Well i have been really buggged with the weather of late, the rain has been pouring and the bottom of my jeans seem constantly soaked, i suppose the fact that there is major flooding in certain areas of the country is a slightly larger problem than my soggy jean bottoms but that is my drama and i have to live with it.

I loathe the Metro "newspaper" - it is journalism of the worst kind, for all its educational value you may as well read a mr.men book! Yesterday's front cover featured the headline "Strain of Superbug "may be new HIV" - basically a new strain of MRSA has appeared in America and the metro felt it was it's duty to inform people that gay men are more likely to catch the bug than anyone else, the bug is passed on through "casual contact" - don't all human beings regardless of sexuality indulge in "casual contact". To suggest the strain of MRSA is the new HIV is completely innacurate, strains of MRSA have also been found in athlete's, people who use gyms and military personnel - Oh Metro you really made me think i was back in the 80's yesterday. I sincerely hope that they retract this article immediately, what they have basically done is handed a bat to the homophobes to beat us down with yet again. Thanks for making our live's that little bit more difficult, its just what we needed in 2008.

Well on a lighter note, awards season is in full swing and thankfully on this side of the pond, the big shows are going ahead, we have the Brits and the BAFTA's coming up, BAFTA nominations have been announced and "Atonement" leads the way with 14 nominations. I think it stands a good chance of sweeping the board but i do hope that along the way Marion Cotillard's portrayal of Edith Piaf in "La Vie En Rose" gets some recognition as it was by far the stand out performance of the last year for me.

I love a good wedding but there is a new aspect to the reception that seems to be turning into a competition - the bride and groom's 1st dance, it all used to be so simple, a romantic ditty and a slow dance round the floor whilst fellow guests looked on admiringly or green with jealousy. In the last couple of years though the recently married sweethearts have become more imaginative and injected a sense of fun to the whole dance extravaganza. Check ths couple out, i can't stop watching it - it's genius and if you just search for wedding dances on youtube you will find many many more!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqiw-Kqtlr0

xx

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tom "bowl full of alien crazy" Cruise has filmed a promotional video for the scientology "religion", he says th study of scientology is the way to happiness, or at least i think thats what he said it may have been "the way to a penis". Need i remind you all that Tom Cruise is not i repeat not a homosexual.

Brit's and Britney

Well awards season continues with the announcement last night of this year's Brit Award nominations. Great to see some of my favourite artists in there including Kate Nash, Newton Faulkner, Arctic Monkeys, Editors, Rufus Wainwright, Bjork and Foo Fighters. Take That have also stormed back with 4 nominations!! They have had an amazing year and there live shows are supposed to be fantastic and they do still look pretty good, well apart from Mark Owen but i never reeally understood the attraction especially with that voice of his.

Britney, Britney, Britney! Are you even asking for help? Why is no one intervening? We have all seen what happened to Michael Jackson, i think a lot of his problems stem from nobody telling him to stop with plastic surgery or sharing his bed with young boys. Yesterday Britney was due in court to try and sort out custody of her 2 sons but she arrived 5 hours late, saw the amount of paparazzi waiting for her and left again which means she is still banned from seeing her kids, where are her parents in all of this?

I see from the cover of this weeks OK! Magazine that Kerry Katona is yet again staring out at me with those "love me love me i am stupid" eyes! one of the quotes on the front of the magazine says that she is planning to give birth on national TV, there is not much more i can say about this really, i guess it could be quite entertaining, like a baby version of X-Men - i am assuming it will be a mutant - cruel to be kind Kerry.

I have not mentioned our gracious leader Madonna for a while but exciting news is reaching me from her many fansites, Her new album is supposedly going to be released on 14th April and she is filming the video for the 1st single off the album titled "4 minutes to save the world" in London at the end of this month with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland! I have to start stalking her now ish!!

As i mentioned last week, my friends Oliver and James are running the London Marathon this year, James is running for Marie Curie Cancer Care and you can sponsor him at www.justgiving.com/jamesglavin, Oliver is running for Cancer Research and you can sponsor him at www.justgiving.com/olivergilbody

xx

Monday, January 14, 2008

I want glamour and showbiz, not a press conference!!

Well last night it was supposed to be the glam annual event that is the Golden Globe Awards but due to the Writer's Guild of America strike the usual awards ceremony did not take place and winners were announced at a low key press conference. The strike has been on since the 5th November and shows no sign of ending anytime soon, this does not bode well for the Oscars!!

I was very happy that the amazing "Atonement" won best film, it is truly exceptional and unlike any film i have seen before, other winners included Cate Blanchett, Daniel Day Lewis, Julie Christie and Johnny Depp. The Oscars are due to take place towards the end of next month and the golden globes are usually a good indicator as to who will be walking home with one of those gorge little gold men!!

This weekend has been pretty hectic but so much fun! On friday night there was a leaving do for a few guys at work upstairs at the Duke of Wellington gay pub in Soho, this place used to be a bit of a dive but they have had a refurb and it is really nice now, loads more space and toilets that dont make me dry wretch!!

Saturday was a lazy day, sorting my flat out and pottering around. I headed over to Oliver's late saturday afternoon for dinner and a catch up which was lovely, great food, lovely drink and a very good dvd to boot!! We watched "Prime" starring Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep, another reason to love it is Bryan Greenberg who plays Meryl's son - he is stunning and both myself and Oliver were letting out audible gasps everytime he was on screen, I shall be following his career very closely. We thought we were going to stay in but our desire for men and more drink got the better of us and we tried out a couple of local ish gay bars which was fun but i can't exactly remember much.

Yesterday i got home and quickly showered, changed and caffeined myself before meeting my friend Tom for sunday lunch, sadly the bar we wanted to go to for food had accidentally burnt their kitchen down so we had to hunt elsewhere, we ended up in the old queens head on essex road in Islington, fantastic lunch!! just what my poor body needed, then carried on drinking til the early evening before going seperate ways, I was supposed to be heading to the cinema with Paul but quick change of plan so headed over to his to watch a film called "Walk on Water".




A film about an Israeli mossad agent given a mission to track down and kill an ex nazi officer, part of his mission involves him be-friending the officer's grandchildren. It was a really interesing film mainly exploring one man's battle to accept his emotions, not usually the kind of film i would watch but i enjoyed it and it was a nice , chilled way to end the weekend.

xx

Friday, January 11, 2008

well finally it's the end of the week and we can all start focusing on the weekend and all the fun and frolics it will hold. my weekend is quite jam packed to be honest!

Tonight there is a leaving do for a few guys that are moving on from work so i shall be hitting soho with a hop,skip and a drunken fall down a flight of stairs. Tomorrow i am being all domesticated and doing all the things that have been put off for too long and then in the evening i am finally getting to see Oliver for the 1st time this year!! much drinking, gossipping and dvd watching wll be had with maybe a dance routine thrown in for good measure.

Sunday afternoon i am meeting my friend Tom for lunch and then i may be off to the cinema to see a rather slushy new film called "P.S I love you" starring Hilary Swank, Gerard Butler and most importantly the hilarious Lisa Kudrow! I love a good romcom and although this film has not had the best reviews, everyone i have spoken to has loved it - i cry at anything so am sure i shall be weeping before the trailers have even finished.




Now Amy Winehouse has dyed her hair blonde, i dont think i like it especially because she has not changed her make up to suit the new hair colour, in this pic she looks half cleaner, half ho. Honey all i can say is "Go Back to Black!"



I thought i could resist it but it turns out that i can only last so long and so people (or person) it's back!! it's friday! it's

THE IMAGINARY MEN OF PIPPY'S BOUDOIR

yes back for 2008, my imagination will be running wild and seeking out glorious hunks of spunk to shower me with their rather effervescent juices!! the first honey to make my mouth go runny is the simply amazing and HUGE!! Gerard Butler, star of "300" and "Phantom of the Opera" and "P.S I love you" - all i can say is wow!!






Have fabulous weekends and please feel free to refer back to these pictures in those dull, rainy moments

xx

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Room 101

During the history of this blog i have ranted about many many things but last night i had a journey home that sprouted outall new kinds of hatred. I didn't have any music with me to drown out the sound of the stupid people and had to endure 2 of the most vacuous people ever stood right next to me talking about how they were far too talented to be doing their jobs and had loads of ideas on how they could improve the layout and design of the shop they worked in on Oxford Street. I was stood there wondering what shop they were banging on about - Uni Qlo, the japanese clothing chain shop. The most hilarious/disturbing part of their inane chatter was the fact that they had been given 5 phrases to say to customers, which i think is commonplace in most high street shops these days. Mainly " good morning/afternoon" "can i help you" "did you manage to find everything you were looking for today" etc. Personally i like the fact that retail staff are being "trained" in this way, its far better than running round a shop trying to find some gum chewing youth to help you.

Sadly the 2 vacuous things on the bus were saying that londoners don't like that kinda thing and they didn't see why as staff they should have to be made to speak to customers!! it's so heartwarming that common decency and respect are thriving in these 2 peoples hearts, they were then saying that they got no respect from their manager or fellow staff members!! yeah you muppets probably cos you stand their all day bitching about everything, saying you are too good to talk to customers and actually want to re-design the store!! thank god they got off the bus at Angel, i was losing the will to live.

As i got off the bus a young woman who seemed to have a frightfully bad cold sneezed, more than i have ever seen a human being sneeze before but did she cover her nose or mouth, well no quite franly she didn't and i had to walk behind her as big globules of snot flew out of her nose and all over the pavement. Who raised her to believe that was acceptable behaviour?? what is wrong with these people?

Some of you may remember me getting on my soapbox at the end of November due to the proposed 36% cuts to the London gay men's HIV prevention budget, i am happy to report that the decision has been reversed and gay men's services in London will receive their full funding! This is excellent news for services in London, it does go to show that it is always worth standing up for what you believe in and having your say. No action = no change

xx

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The new year always seems to find me half reflecting back on the year that has past and half looking forward, wondering what the next 12 months will bring. I start asking myself those big Carrie Bradshaw style questions about life, love and what it all means.

I have become very disillusioned with gay men and gay relationships. I am a hopeless romantic and proud of it. My parents were school sweethearts and are still together to this day and are often very romantic with each other, this has led me to believe that a grand sweeping relationship is bound to be on the cards for me some day.

Are gay men capable of having and sustaining a monogamous relationship? I have gay male friends that are in relationships but very few of them are monogamous, most of these relationships are smothered in rules that cover where to have sex, who to have sex with etc. I think on one hand it is really positive that gay men are open enough to negotiate the kind of relationship they want but for me personally i just find it all a bit sad, as Carrie Bradshaw says in the last episode of "Sex and the City" - "i am a person who is looking for love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love". Maybe i am deluded but that is what i am looking for too, i just dont know if it is looking for me.

I get sick of guys that say men are sexual beings and it is too much to expect us to stick to one person, that is a pathetic excuse for being a slut, i dont believe that men are any more or less sexual than women, yes we are put together quite differently but our hearts and minds are far too alike to seperate from our sexuality. I am a hypocrite as in the past i have been to gay saunas for the sole purpose of having sex but this has never been a positive experience and i have always left feeling dirty and used. There are some gay men who live for sex clubs and saunas, going from one anonymous encounter to the next, surely this must chip away at their self esteem and worth. I think there must be a point where it all has to stop,where you take stock and wonder what your life will become, who will be there to catch you when you fall?, to be the shoulder you need to cry on?.

Having been single for a long time i have to admit to worrying that i am going to end up old and alone like some tragic version of Quentin Crisp. I do have hope that my guy is out there, who shares the same ideas and romantic outlook as i do and will be there through the rotten and the bliss. Someone who makes me laugh til my stomach hurts, someone who i can say anything to, someone who will protect me and someone that i can give all this back to. So i am going to hold onto my hopeless romantic ideals, its always going to be a better option than being simply hopeless.

xx

Monday, January 07, 2008

Hey People,

Hope the weekend was joyful, Friday night i met up with my girls - Pete, John, Kaz and Tolu and we hit the o2 Arena in search of the Spice Girls and boy did we find them!! The atmosphere was fantastic, mainly women in their 20s - 30's and gay men. The show itself was so slick! with not one single moment wasted. It was really hard to concentrate as i just didnt know which one to focus on as they all looked amazing.

Victoria Beckham got the biggest screams of the night whenever she did anything, her cat walk moment was fabulous, strutting her stuff to the beat of "Like A Virgin" with RuPaul's "Supermodel" song playing on top. The other girls all did solo spots with Geri singing "It's Raining Men", Emma singing "Maybe", Mel B covering Lenny Kravitz "Are you gonna go my way" and Mel C singing "I turn to you". On top of that we had all the great spice girl hits as they hit the finale of "Spice up your life" a video screen above the stage appeared with "Mission Accomplished" blazing across it and that is just what they had done. I had a wicked night and hope the dvd comes out soon.

Now a couple of my dear friends have both had way too many bowls of crazy and have had their applications to run the London Marathon accepted. The crazy ones are Oliver and James, they are both running for great causes so if you want to sponsor James, he is running for Marie Curie Cancer Care log on to http://www.justgiving.com/jamesglavin and as soon as i have Oliver's details i shall pop them on here too. Best of luck to the both of them.

My lovely dad sent me some dvd's of the xmas tv this weekend and so i finally managed to see the "Extras" xmas special which i have to say is one of the best pieces of television i have seen in a long time. Who knew that Ricky Gervais could act?? Ashley Jensen was brilliant as well. They both succeeded in making me weep. He also sent me the "Big Fat Quiz of the Year" - i always love this show and this year's was no exception. David Mitchell was fantastic and the genius pairing of Noel Fielding and Russell Brand gave me much to laugh about.

xx

Friday, January 04, 2008

That Britney really is shameless!!

Ooh it's like a trashy soap opera (emphasis on trashy!) - Over the last year we have seen Britney Spears go from bad to worse to trainwreck! what with shaving her head, THAT MTV performance, the custody battle, the attacks on the paparazzi. Last night it all kicked off big time. Her ex husband and father of her 2 kids sent his minders to go and pick the kids up from her house and she refused to hand them over. Cut to an hour later - 13 police cars, 2 ambulances and a fire engine pulled up outside her house (bless the americans, they are so restrained)One of the children was handed over and then Britney was carried out of the house on a stretcher, waving to some people and giving the finger to others she was put in an ambulance and rushed to hospital closely followed by her other son in the next ambulance. Despite her new album being pretty impressive it seems she has totally lost it now and i am not sure how she can salvage her career. I am actually amazed she managed to get the album together considering everything else that is going on. I am sure more information will crop up over the weekend so lets see what the state of play is on monday.

Just before xmas i met up with my dear friend Pete for a good old gossipy chinwag over a couple of pints, he had just bought the latest copy of OK! magazine and we sat there laughing our heads off at that iceland advertising bargain bin of an excuse for a human being AKA Kerry Katona! She has a weekly column in this magazine and the one we were looking at was simply hilarious - she was looking back on her year and it all seemed a bit unbalanced - the highlights of 2007 being the birth of her child and her marriage to her burglar (sorry husband). The lowlights were the custody battle, going into rehab, the infidelity stories and the robbery - what a life that woman has! if only she had some kind of career or talent there might be some sympathy there rather than 2 queens laughing their heads off at her misfortune.

My body clock has still not sorted itself out after the xmas/new year break and i can't get my head around the fact that it's friday! it's also spice day, yes tonight i am off to the o2 arena to see the Spice Girls and i am sooo excited, the show has got great reviews and lets face it they had some classic pop hits so it should be a really fun night.

xx

Thursday, January 03, 2008

well people what a gap it has been in blogging! i guess that is what xmas and new year do to me. Happy New Year to all of you, i hope yours was a mash up fest of global proportions! I had a lovely relaxing xmas at home with my family, lots of eating and drinking and yet managed to not put weight on, in fact i think i may have actually lost weight!! i apologise if you are at the other end of the scale and have been gorging on all the chocolate you can handle.

My xmas stocking was packed to the drawstrings with books and dvd's including loads of "Family Guy" boxsets, Daniel Craig in Casino Royale and a few comedy ones to boot. Books included the Madonna book called "Like an Icon" and Julian Clary's first novel "Murder Most Fab" which i have just started. The one low point of the xmas break was some total bastard from hell nicking my beloved ipod!! It particularly bugs me as that was a 30th birthday present from some of my dearest friends!

It does also seem unfortunate that everyone seems to have been suffering this xmas with one ailment or another, either sneezing and coughing or puking and pooping. I have yet to be hit by these but am sure they will wind their way to me once everyone else has finished with them. This meant that not many people were bothered about New Year so i popped over to Pete's with Kaz and Tolu for a quiet but still mashed up time which led to me sleeping for about 2 days solid and throwing my body clock way out of whack.

I am hopeful as the year begins, Last year was all a bit random with very little happening on the lovelife front but a re energised approach to work and a move north of the river made it a good one. Not forgetting my friends who are a constant stream of support, good times and laughter.

This year will see me working on some massive projects at work which is really exciting, hopefully i shall find some silly fool to share my bed and heart for more than a few seconds! i also have our gracious leader Madonn'a new album and possible tour to look forward to and on top of that she turns 50 this year so i am sure a celebration will be had.

Tomorrow night i am off to see The Spice Girls in concert and i can't wait, the show is supposed to be great and it will be great to see all 5 of them back together on stage again!!

xx